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I am a year-old woman. I am married. I have four children aged 10 to I am menopausal. I discovered my husband was using porn several years ago which has had a detrimental effect on our marriage. No one knows about this. We are friends but intimacy is fraught with upset, so we just avoid it. How can I forgive him and can our relationship ever recover after all this trauma and time? So when I tell you that some of these issues have been of your making, I say it not to shame or blame you, but to let you know that you have agency. You have control.

You can undo some of this damage and pain — but only if you are prepared to do the work, both on yourself and your own thoughts and actions, and on your relationship with your husband. When sex or relationships occur between two or more people, rules regarding fidelity and sexual activity must be established and followed for the emotional, physical and sexual wellbeing of everyone involved.

But when it comes to individual fantasy and masturbation, which is one individual exploring and enjoying their sexual selves on their own, no one else gets to set the terms of that barring necessary laws around images such as paedophilia.

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If your partnered sex is negatively affected, these issues need to be addressed. As a human being, he has desires and a sexual drive that exist independent of you, and he is allowed to enjoy that.

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I would say the exact same thing if he was protesting your use of sex toys, erotica or fantasy. If your husband agreed not to watch pornography and did, that breach of trust could be hurtful. He should not have agreed. But you should not have asked. You may personally have issues with pornography, and I understand that. You may also have concerns about the type of pornography your husband is consuming, and you can talk about how he can watch pornography in a critically engaged and ethical way.

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I would recommend reading The Feminist Porn Book by Tristan Taormino to explore how pornography can be produced and consumed ethically — and how it can be a healthy part of masturbation and indeed relationships. This may help you to think about pornography from a different perspective. Which brings us on to the lack of sex in your marriage. Most long-term relationships go through periods without sex. But during these periods, it is vital to keep communicating about how your relationship is being affected, and how you will be dealing with it, together. How will you stay emotionally and physically connected?

Are there some sexual activities you can still enjoy together? You and your husband need to have a frank, open conversation about your sexual needs, how you both can feel respected and how you can emotionally reconnect. Avoidance is not an option. Avoidance increases distance and heightens problems. I would recommend couples counselling to help you navigate the difficult conversations ahead. But they are necessary. At the other side of these conversations lies the chance for reconciliation, fulfilment, respect — and a relationship where you understand each other more.

You both need to reach for this, and work to try pull yourselves across the chasm. I hope you can. If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously Housewives wants real sex Hometown irishtimes. Variant more transmissible than viruses that cause Mers, Sars, Ebola, colds, seasonal flu and smallpox.

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